Nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared me for the
rollicking humor that was “The Real Maine Man Pageant.” It was
undoubtedly one of my personal highlights of this year’s Maine Lobster
Festival.

Maine Man Contestants L to R: Ryan Post, Joel Neal, Kendall Merriam, Corey Morris, AlexHaluski

Five amazingly courageous (and funny) men gave it their all
to prove why they should be crowned this year’s “Maine Man.” Among them
were: Kendall Merriam of Rockland, Corey Morris of Tenants Harbor, Alex
Haluski of Minnesota, and Joel Neal and Ryan Post, both of Rockland.

As the crowd assembled in the North Entertainment Tent, I asked the
nervous contestants what brought them to this. Answers varied but they
all contained a common bond: they were coerced, often under duress, by
a spouse or girlfriend, or in the case of policeman Neal, by orders
from his superior.

Thankfully, looks didn’t count. But judges
were looking for talent, attire, Maine speech, and a general sense of
true Maine spirit and enjoyment. And judges Wally Tower, Deputy Chief
Police of Rockland (who said he’d come only because he’d heard there
would be donuts served); Diane Allen, “The Wild Woman” of Thomaston’s
Pik Qwik Market, and Maine lobster sternman and comedian Duff, of
Friendship, had some serious judging on their hands. At times I really
don’t know who was funnier, the contestants or the judges.

Contestants
were first asked what made them a  real Maine man and were asked to
pronounce the word “Ayuh.” This was followed by judging of the real
Maine attire worn, which ranged from a standard issue summer police uniform to
cutoff shirts, camo pants, and lobstering boots. They walked the catwalk for an appreciative crowd. As Ryan Post commented, “I ain’t
made this up. This is what I wear to work.” Corey Morris said his look
allowed him to go straight from the harbor to the tree stand, allowing
for versatility, fashion, and function. His “Right Piss Elegant Bet’s
Fry Fish” cutoff T from Boothbay Harbor, along with his hunter orange
cap, garnered him big points.

The talent show portion of the
competition was a real gutbuster. As emcee Louise said, “You couldn’t
have scripted this stuff.” First up to do his thing was Joel, of the
Rockland PD. His PeeWee Herman dance routine had the crowd nearly
bringing down the tent. Alex of Minnesota tried bribery by serenading
judge Diane with “Only Fool’s Rush In.” Corey showed off some real
Maine talent by splicing rope with a fid and tying a knot in the rope.
Kendall, who had written a few books on Maine, read an interview from
an MSP inmate on his incarceration for “entering,” and Ryan did some
fast rope coiling and knot tying.

Finally, each contestant was
asked  Miss America type questions ranging from cosmetic surgery and
cheating to what opportunities they were looking forward to during
their reign. They were asked to pronounce “Ayuh” one last time, and
were given the opportunity to win 5 bonus points by answering the
question “Who invented earmuffs and where?”, which Corey won.

In the end, the crowd had a great time and the contestants were all very
good sports. Votes were tallied. Crowned this year’s Real Maine Man was
Corey Morris of Tenants Harbor. When interviewed after the event, he
admitted the victory was doubly sweet. His girlfriend, Callie MacQueston of Vinalhaven, was just crowned this year’s Sea Goddess and they would be reigning together.

And should Corey be unable (for some unforseen reason) to fulfill his duties as The Real Maine Man, we should all look to Rockland Police Officer Joel Neal to “assume the
position” in the coming year. As runner-up, be sure to congratulate him
when he asks to see your license and registration.

Melanie Hyatt is an editor at Maine Food & Lifestyle magazine.